Motherhood. The best hood there is

I love being a mom.

When I was pregnant with my oldest, I was terrified. I still had a semester and a half left of college, and he was due right after graduation. Somehow, I managed to keep up with full-time work and school. I earned my degree and a promotion before he arrived.

Even then, I constantly wondered if I was doing things right. If I was making the right decisions to give him the best life possible.

When he was just six months old, I became pregnant with his little brother. I had always wanted my kids close in age, but that came with a new wave of worries. Was I giving them both the best parts of me? Were they getting everything they deserved?

I went back to work when they were six months and twenty months old. I worked the earliest shifts possible so I could be home by lunchtime, or the latest shifts so I wouldn’t have to leave until dinner time. Those years were exhausting, but I knew they were getting the time they deserved with their mom.

Life moved fast after that — promotions, a severe injury, a divorce, and a move. Then I met my husband, the most amazing man I could have asked for.

He loves my boys as if they were his own.

Through all the hard days, I kept focusing on my children. Eventually, I moved into teaching, and later we welcomed twin girls into our family. Two completely different personalities, but together they completed our home in the most beautiful way.

And that’s where things became complicated.

People always say things like, “You’ve got two of each — you’re so blessed,” or, “You’d be crazy to have more.” The truth is, we would have loved more children. But we also had to weigh the realities of life — our age, our health, our responsibilities, and the fact that our children deserve the very best parts of us.

So we made the difficult decision to be done having children.

I think a part of me will always long for one more positive pregnancy test, one more newborn snuggle, one more set of firsts. Maybe one day I’ll get to experience pieces of that again through grandchildren.

My oldest starts middle school next year, and somehow I can still vividly remember him being the age his sisters are now. Everyone tells you it goes fast, but you never truly understand it until you’re living it.

Recently, I had surgery to prevent future pregnancies. During that process, doctors finally addressed some of the pain concerns I’d been struggling with for years — and imagine that, there actually was something wrong. I didn’t just need to “lose weight” or “push through it.” There was a real issue all along.

But knowing that one phase of life is over while my babies continue growing up… that part hits hard.

I’m excited for this next chapter while also grieving the one we’re closing.

Some days are harder than others.

At the end of it all, I can only hope this decision benefits everyone involved. I hope my children grow up with wonderful memories of their childhood and still want to come home and visit when they’re older. Most of all, I hope they always know every decision we made came from a place of love and wanting the very best for them.